I had a whole entry planned out to post this week now that I was safely in my second trimester, to announce baby #2's expected arrival in March.
I was going to tell the story of last weekend, when Tucker and I were reading a board book that identifies some body parts, the various senses, that sort of thing. There's a two page spread that features kids demonstrating lots of emotions: sad, happy, laughing, scared, etc. Tucker looked at the faces and pointed to the tired face and said "Mama." I tried to read the other faces, but all he wanted to do was point at the tired one and repeat "Mama." That is what Tucker thought of me being pregnant.
Unfortunately, we learned on Tuesday that the baby had died.
It's funny, I wouldn't have thought I'd post about a miscarriage... after all, I waited to announce the baby here until the risk of miscarriage was over. But now that it has happened I feel like it has affected our lives too much NOT to post about it.
I love that our church has a service to celebrate the life of the unborn--called "Mass of the Angels"--and love that we have the opportunity to celebrate it as a short but very real life. We decided to name our child, which we think was a girl: Maria Grace Jamison.
In no particular order, here are some lessons I'm taking away from this experience: 1) Never use a home heart beat doppler--they are misleading! We got readings of a heartbeat long after she had died. 2) If you have a first trimester ultrasound, get one after 8 weeks, when the chance of miscarriage drops to 1 in 100. Before then the ultrasound doesn't confirm too much.
But the most important thing for me in this experience is choosing to grieve knowing that this death is for my good and God's glory ("All things work for the good of those who love God" Romans 8:28). Of course it is not how I would make this world to work, and I look forward to the time when sin and death and sorrow cease, but in the meantime, it's time to look for God's grace in the hard times. From the ease of the medical appointments and Tucker's behavior during them, to the outpouring of love around us, to the fact that I serve a real God who is currently holding my baby in His everlasting arms... the list of God's grace to us right now really does go on and on. "For from Him and through Him and to Him are ALL things--to God be the glory forever." (Romans 11:36).
